The Field

“To dream of wandering into an empty field suggests a type of openness in meeting the future, where ideas can rise as inspiration. Regardless of what you are doing in the field, it is a symbol of expanding your awareness.“ (Davies).

"OPEN” (Picture by Princess McIllwain) - early morning in-between Berrien Springs, Michigan and South Bend, Indiana.

For those of you who may never have met my mom, Marian Seijo, she passed away some time ago when I was in my mid-twenties. I often find myself thinking of her on car rides while gazing out at fields zooming past. I think my mind and heart are finally “open” in these moments, able to feel, release, explore, to grieve and celebrate. I feel the dark of the dawn and the warmth simultaneously.

I often write poems, stories, etc, but I am more well-known for my art. I am often more vulnerable, self-councious, and well lets face it afraid, to share many of my writings. I think writing is such a wonderful art form as you can re-read each letter and somehow in this experience, you can feel exposed to your own consciousness as if seeing yourself through another lens or perhaps even for the first time. Each year I try to come up with something to do to honor my mom on her birthday and keep the happy thoughts alive. For at least five to seven years now I have been working on writing a book that would include my art and my writing together. This idea has changed or morphed if you will in several directions over the years from an e-book, to a graphic novel, to more of a series of zines. In this process, I learned a lot about copyright laws and editing thanks to a wonderful attorney and a good friend who runs her own editing business. The book is yet to be finished but I am hoping may be completed this year.

However, I have decided to include a small portion of the dedication below to honor my mom this year for her birthday. I have decided to share it with all of you lovely people as a way of being “OPEN” like the field. The image to the left is one of my acrylic paintings inspired by these moments. It also happens to be one of the first paintings completed in 2023.

“The horse-drawn plow sat engulfed in weeds at the edge of the field. And while it had stopped plowing long ago, it never left the place where it had plowed. And I thought that if we leave what we were created to do, we are likely to forget who we were created to be.”

― Craig D. Lounsbrough

I wonder what would it be like to love with the completeness in which we were born? Before our actions fragmented our hearts and souls. Or is it the other way? Was I born into a broken world? And I am now on this journey to heal and complete myself.

I wrap myself in these questions like a thick blanket until I feel warm and comfortable and close my eyes, letting the heaviness sink. I then put my faith into hope that I get picked up by current of the River Consciousness and it carries me weightless to the sea, where my wants and desires open to the endless blue horizon and all I feel is the water caressing my skin and the warm sun burning my cheeks.

I love to play with patterns and let the lines and colors merge into something. I don’t always have a direction, but I am learning to be ok with that. It’s scary to let your guard down and open your heart, but I’m practicing and hope to get better at it with every piece I make.

After mom passed away, I spent increasingly more time in nature……

Observing…..

Listening…

Daydreaming…..

I think we should all have to pay our interior landscape a visit.

A personal Journey of Exploration and Healing

Interacting with intention

Above Photo by Princess McIllwain at the Brother's of The Holy Cross (part of Notre Dame), in South Bend, IN. (2021)

Foreword

For me this book has been both a blessing and a burden at times. A promise that I must keep. A story that finally needs to be told. I will do my best to describe the pages, the details, sounds, the feelings. I hope you can relate to pieces of what is reflected within. I have always wanted to be an artist. There are many talented artists within my family that I admire. I would often paint with my grandma and my mom. I had a lot of hard knocks. I lost my way many times only to find another path. And I would be a liar if I said I was not tempted to quit after many personal losses and what to me seemed like failure. I have loved and I have lost, as we all have or will on this incredible journey. I lost my dad at a very young age and do not have any real memories that I can share, but there was always a longing for what could have been. My brother, sister, and I lost our mom at a young age. It was her death that hit me harder than any other loss in my life to this point.

Above Photo by Princess McIllwain at the Brother's of The Holy Cross (part of Notre Dame), in South Bend, IN. (2021)

But it is not all tears. There is Joy. So much joy. Daja – Marie and Jiovanni, my two wonderful children, have always been a beacon of light that inspires me to start again, each day anew, with new dreams, new hopes. To them I owe more than I could ever hope to convey with words.

There are so many stories that I should wish to share if they could be of some benefit or some comfort to know that you are not alone. We are all connected.

I could tell of abuse, lies, bad habits, fires, even deaths. I could speak to depression, to denial, to poverty. I could talk of humility, compassion, and giving. I could share my personal struggle with forgiveness, of negative self-talk, anxiety, and silence. Some of these stories may never be told.

Acrylic Painting by Princess McIllwain, 2022

But should any story be told long after I have departed. Let that story be one of passion and creativity. Of dreaming and striving and reaching for awareness. Let it be a story full of texture and color. What is a life without color? And can you look at the colors in a sunset and not feel some connection within?

Through this connection, through my roots, generations of dreaming, and my future, ever-growing, I feel an intense desire to create the world I see in my dreams. I wish to inspire not only my children and my family but my community. Even you, who I have never met personally. I create and share not only the beautiful landscapes

But the trenches

The dark

an ugly reflection of self

I do not exclude any part of the experience but rather wish that I could share more of this “human” experience. When I come to the end of my life, I will be the one begging, like a child to their mom, “please, just five more minutes”.

Portion of acrylic painting by Marian Seijo, date unknown. Currently hangs on my bedroom wall today.

Dedication:

To all my loved ones:

I love you

All of you.

To my mom: I love you to the moon and back.

To Daja and Jiovanni: May you never give up on your dreams and create the life of your dreams. You are the creation itself. Look around you and help others on their way. Take in all the colors. Every moment.

A special acknowledgment for my lifelong friend, sister-in-law, and fellow artist: Brandy VanOrder, who is one of the most selfless people I personally know.

Marian Seijo (1962-2015):

There is not a day that passes that I don’t find myself longing to visit with you, to hug you, to hear your voice. Your paintings bring me comfort as I stare into the colors, the lines, the texture. I feel that we are connected. That through your art, through creation, through me, and my children, and my children’s children, you are immortal. You are always with me.

Works Cited

Davies, Benjamin. “Field In Dreams - Dream Interpretation and Meaning of Field in Dreams.” Cafe au Soul, https://www.cafeausoul.com/oracles/dream-dictionary/field. Accessed 16 February 2023.

“Field Quotes (117 quotes).” Goodreads, https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/field. Accessed 17 February 2023.